I am still mom too, but the importance of it seems watered down when I get lumped together with her when I know the truth. You may make them special meals, decorate their room, or buy them new clothes and personal items. My birthmother kept her pregnancy hidden from her family for nearly seven months. Your email address will not be published. What exactly are you expecting, Mary? I was taken from her before she … They will be an adult much longer than they are a child. As an Adoptive mother I think your state is a harsh generalization on this group. I also do not understand why it is stalking when a birth mother reaches out for contact but ok when an adoptee reaches out for contact. so when you sign the papers for a closed adoption she was jk. The choice is theirs and both are OK. It can be very difficult to know where you fit in when almost every other family looks different than yours. It’s easy at a wedding to blame the couple getting married and put all the stress on them, which is why good wedding etiquette is to try to lift that burden. He’s not pushing you away, he’s finding his balance and his new normal for this relationship, and you’ve given him a lifetime of support to build the base that he’s standing on to do it. I have no reason to put words in your mouth Kay Bear I am trying to state every situation is different and there are good and bad on all sides. Besides, his birth mom might be a really awesome person to know, and she is probably the only person who will be as interested in those old, worn stories of his growing up and how similar your grandson is to him at that age blah blah blah as you are at the party. … a part of her and THAT will never change no matter what papers say. Popping out babies doesn’t give you the right to be called “mom”. She will have to grapple with all that and figure out how to best stuff it all down and not make it anyone else’s problem. I would have had no problem loving her and her children had this been done with mutual kindness and respect and LOTS of positive communication. She will have to be the plain mom and the new one can be the birth mom is probably something she is thinking. Dawn I think you gave a nice response to her. WOW, I feel for the adoptive mother…..as someone who has no relation to adoption…I work in Third Party Parenting and the same issues are starting to come up in that arena…I do want to say I find it hard to swallow all the rhetoric about “how do I look like” and “where do I get my laugh from”. I mean after all this women gave birth to you how can you say no to that? I won’t discount the trauma of adoption. I’m sure they will play with you tomorrow.” I felt like Daniel Tiger’s mom, but my daughter seemed okay with that answer. I had visions of some kid telling his folks and my son’s parents finding out about contact at a track met or school function and I worried for them. Trauma Effects of Trauma: Estrangement From Family Traumatic relationships with family members can lead to estrangement. We can learn from them all. as well as hurting you. How we feel along our own journeys definitely varies. How do they feel? I so feel for you,we adopted our son 38 years ago and i always encouraged him to find his birth mum and told him right from the start he had another mum, when he first told me he had found her and two brothers i was so very happy for him and he said he wished for me to meet them and hoped i would get on with his birth mum,his birth mum sent me a message telling me what a good job i did bringing up our son,she asked my my hand in friendship i accepted and we talked by text often and it was so special i told her he could be our son, cut long story short here, he ended up asking me not to continue keeping in touch i asked why he said he doesnt want that now , he then moved to the state where she lives,and he took me off his facebook,we use to be so close, i have not heard from him in some time,when i asked why he did not want us to meet his birth family he said it doesnt always work and he yelled at me and got quite cross ,he has never ever done that before,he has broken my heart,so i do know how you feel its so sad,i feel i was not a good enough mum and in some way i may not be good enough to meet his birth family! I’m Roza adoptee from Russia, i found my birth mother, and i don’t love her , but i love her in a way…. “But jealousy implies a limited supply of something” “This is not the connected, united family situation we were hoping we could offer our son,” she wrote. Live Better, Feel Better, in Spite of Anxiety and Depression ... For someone who has been estranged from a family member, taking the space to work out … Btw many adoptees who say that they had supportive parents say that eventually their relationship is closer – I think that that support shows the adoptee that their parents’ love comes without strings. I have to hope that at 18 my mom would have shared with me about the letter even though it would have been hard for her (I was adopted in the 60’s so even more in the past). They didn’t share that she had tried to contact him and was open to contact. That’s diff bc then the child actually wants a relationship. If feeling left out makes you feel reduced social belonging, the natural thing to do is try to make social connections again. Getting it under control <—— a whole other ballgame. People like me:) LOL. You chose, the adoptee didn’t. I don’t think it’s ok even if he’s an adult. My husband and I have been blindsighted by our adoptive adult daughter. I’m the paternal grandfather of two adorable boys, and it’s really painful to live with the fact that I get a few hours every two-four weeks with them, while the other grandparents see them several times a week. Meanwhile, his adoptive parent feels left out. She could have been on drugs during the pregnancy, she could have been abusive or homeless you don’t know. How did the APs feel, I have no idea. Lori, that was one of the reasons that I wanted an open adoption too… to not go through as an adoptive mom my child’s reunion with their birth family, because my reunion with my birth family as an adoptee overwhelmed me and in the beginning I wasn’t focused on my mom’s feelings and how it was affecting her and I was really focused on my birth family for awhile after the reunion. You said that you one can “force” you into something my point was there are a lot of things in life that can not be forced that may seem that way. We build friendship groups, are members of a school year group, or all study the same degree at university. It’s the shock of finding out it’s also a marriage when we knew it all along that often makes things go sour. I’m just weird . At his age he is the man is going to be (for the most part as we all continue to grow). Sadly each one did something the other was unable to do for him, something that they both long for to make them feel their motherhood experience was whole or that they fulfilled the duties of a mother in total. If HE wanted to find her then he would have. “It’s incredibly painful to see your child suffering, but as parents, you are … I’ve put no words in your mouth. Steffe Lynne, thanks for sharing your thoughts. The one who isn't invited to things, the one who finds out everyone hung out without them via social media, and the one where if there's five people and four seats in the car, they're the fifth person. I’m a birthmother on the other end of this. Yeah, you’ve got it; use it. Mom thinks the natural mother “placed our son in the middle of a difficult situation.” She resents the natural mother for circumventing the rules of the adoption agreement. The reunion was meeting and getting to know people who are really important to you and that you feel a heart connection with because of who they are to you, but conversely we don’t know each other at all. :0, Sandy, I sent you a PM and it went into your ‘other folder.’, Beth, what you shared about “If you were an adult and you did not want a relationship with a birth mom but your biological mother contacted you, could you really say no? Our relationship has been rocky with serious issues. I guess I'm just feeling a little sad and left out today. A whole bunch of research has shown that this is what tends to happen. Would they attempt to make it about them? Take it from me I am afooted and if you get jealous of the real mother that will turn your daughter against you if you’re bitter. Clearly he said yes. I knew her confidence was shaken. Kudos to you for taking the initiative on behalf of your children. My child’s friends at school are all seeing a movie that I’m not sure I want my child to see. I honestly didn’t think of my birth family unless someone else brought it up. Our love is multiplied. For us our relationships started before our girls were born and have evolved over time. She did not ever intend to harm her own child, but that seems to be what you are implying. I have sought the blog out for just such a reason, and I have found it almost abusive in its attitudes towards PAP’s/AP’s/Persons with IF-both in the blog postings and in the comments sections. Hi Hannah, thanks for asking about this. I’m sure you feel left out of this joy. This was most likely just fear on their part. I think we can assume that Claudia waited until her son was 18 before she reached out to him. And what an opportunity it could have provided for her! I know that when I was growing up, I was proud of being adopted and was very open about sharing it with others, but as I started to … I think open adoption started in the 80’s, but it was new so moms in the 80’s probably didn’t have the benefit of choosing the way we do now. You may be pleasantly surprised at the respect you get in return. Something to think about when making decisions in adoption. I feel and understand your pain. If I was the kid’s parent I would have pursued a restraining order against you. I did not STALK him. National security? But if it weren’t for adoption, we wouldn’t have grown up with that particular family in the first place. To be pleased that we ARE good people, that he was loved from afar for so long? Dad’s family was more selfcontained and very insular and in a way we ended up a bit more like them. That is a very very small percentage. I don’t know if he told his parents, but many adoptees keep the fact that they’ve met their birth family from their adoptive parents, and that makes me very very sad. She’s also a human being and mother tied to a child in a situation where the agency was not cooperating in sharing a request for additional contact. When possible, I try to put myself into the shoes of the person who is doing something that hurts my feelings. It’s so hard to know whether we have an “adoptee issue,” or whether the issue is a result of growing up in our adoptive family, or whether it’s simply a personality trait. I would have LOVED to have had an adoptive parent to fall back on for support, but that wasn’t something I had. Remember that feeling left out is so similar to rejection, it’s hard to separate the two. Not even close to the same thing. And, now without any previous discussion, we will be meeting her bmom (oh, by the way) at this fancy dinner. its a horrible feeling and makes you feel like you wish you hadn’t even been born. So he started talking about me, started asking questions. My foster mom was there when I “became a woman”, when I got joined the military, when I got married, when I became pregnant, when I was homeless, and is still here any time I need her – and even just when I want to visit or share good news. They should have explained this though. Do I make sense? Which is totally and completely normal. Not being included in a social activity, a family activity, can be a real trigger—leading to anger, depression, sadness, and more. I don’t see why you think the APs would have given the info to the adoptee. I knew the first name of my bio mom who had me at age 18. and that my bio dad died in a motorcycle accident. I felt as if he should be on my side i did all the work, love support to go now and want 2 moms.. My adopted mom trher to brainwash me into believing the real mom was a horrible horrible person.. it didn’t work! As parents, you may focus on making the adopted child feel at home. It is her child its her flesh and blood. What do you think you were doing all those years? As an adult he may want contact with you. I think you will find a lot of good and kind advice. So, the short answer to your question, Greg, is that in most ways it is “me” not “her”. Obviously its not hard for them to find each other as she did it so easily. Without my faith I have no idea where I’d be. However, if she simply says “this is my daughter”, then it likely isn’t an intent to diminish your role, but to acknowledge her role. Been there, done that. If he wanted to find her he would have. It’s often even more difficult if the child is older. I have been blessed as an adoptee and an adoptive mom to be able to have relationships with both families and that included both families, and yes it can be awkward and hard sometimes and I have experienced that too, but I feel that it is a blessing for an adopted child to have love from both of their families and for both of their families to be friends and care for each other. All the rule bending is unnecessary and complicates these people’s lives. Claudia, wow… again I’m so sorry. if it is a mutual decision for closed adoption what gives one side the ok for contact over the other? They should have explained this though. I feel for the adoptive mom…she spent the time, money and energy and it is not ‘enough” when confronted with the bio mom. It sounds like you are suggesting that the adoptive parent initiating the conversation can help but ultimately there still could be some hesitancy on the adoptee side of things no matter what. If you don’t have any, make a funny or beautiful meme with a pretty landscape background and post something about feeling comfortable in your own skin. If you were an adult and you did not want a relationship with a birth mom but your biological mother contacted you could you really really really say no. ... You might feel conflicted or left out if you have siblings who are the biological children of your adopted parents. You Can Feel Alone And Left Out. It’s about the child. In my work I strive to help this generation of adoptees, adoptive families and birth parents to … Hope you received it okay, I understand you have a personal experience in this, but that doesn’t mean we should apply it to the majority. If they had ASKED him, even if they had lied to me and just said that they asked him, I would have sat tight, but at that point I had already been involved in the adoption community for years and KNEW that adoptees prefer to make their own choices. I contacted him when I found him because THAT is when it happened. I don’t appreciate the assumptions that I am somehow dangerous to my child or that he was removed from my care. So since he was about to turn 18, we decided that “he would search’ and start asking about me; then as the info was available, he could contact me and no harm no foul! And btw, I’m pretty sure Claudia waited until her son was an adult so in the end, I can’t see that it is anyone else’s business. I realize that adoption is a make do attempt at building a family. She has had a habit of telling me off and yelling at me and I should have never put up with it. Kristine Dawn Sandy You all make my point for me. Kay hi! A mother can love all of her children and always has enough love for more but the nature of being a mother is that each of her kids have only her to call mother where she has many people who each are positioned in the roll of child in relation to her. Please don’t worry about your child and the contact he/she may or may not have with their birth family. You are equating a foster care situation with infant adoption. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to . I remember now that it was really hard for my mom in the beginning and that it took her some time to become more comfortable about it. It’s tough, but you have to buck up and accept reality. But recently, I’ve seen adoptees posting on Facebook groups about feeling left out. I still think she is violating and going back on her word. 1, Adopting “Exotic.” Popular … and Problematic ~ A Conversation with Memoirist Catana Tully, Worthy To Be Found–New Adoptee Memoir #validvoices of #adoption, Participate in #FliptheScript — Support Adoptee Voices. While shopping at Express last week with a friend, I was digging through the bargain bin for t-shirts I … Your biological child may feel left out when a new child is brought into the home. I don't know how you've managed to live with the kind of pain and emptiness I'm now feeling. I relinquished care to the adoption agency who then allowed his parents to have custody until they finalized the adoption. Emotional snub was far worse. Whether biological or adopted, most of us belong to a family unit, whatever shape or form that might take. Prioritize face-to-face communication. Notify via Email Only if someone replies to My Comment, “We must always take sides. I guess I just fail to understand how one can adopt a child and expect that the other family really is gone forever. People come and people go. I wonder if Nat'l Adoption Month makes it easier to be triggered?? How in the world was it scary for you unless she was physically abused or something? That's not … That period in our history is the same period in which many mothers were told their babies died, twins were separated, and no one had a clue about genetically transmitted diseases. It’s also your chold too ,you raised her. I bet your adoptive mommy loves you bunches since you are her fawning parasite sycophant who does not love the mother who brought you into this world. Part of that fear stems from the discussion we had earlier about all adoptees being different, and you don’t know how your child is going to feel or respond to adoption. Since nobody gets more than one mother or father, a person who is a mother or father has a reasonable expectation that nobody else can occupy that position, if someone else comes along and tries to play that roll then feelings of jealousy come up because there is an expectation of exclusive right to that position. (I also didn’t search, my birthmom found me and I’m not sure if that made it harder or easier to be the one who was surprised.) Vivian, does she highlight the word “MY”? yes but that’s not what happened in this situation. While it’s true the birth mother violated the … I also think timing is extremely important. And a while ago there were no open adoptions. in a very awkward position. I don’t have a bad relationship with my biomom but we have a very weird relationship. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” -- Elie Wiesel, American Ex-Pat Mommy Surviving and Thriving in Belgrade. The jealousy is easy to understand though because she wants to be the only mother. Openness-with-contact from as early as possible (safety being an assumed state, which may not always be possible in some foster adoption situations) was a self-centered decision *I* made to avoid possible search-and-reunion when my then-hypothetical child was grown. We WOULD be pleased to see another generation that swims in our gene pool. That’s a HUGE risk, and it was made without our consent or real conscious knowledge. I told him that he was adopted and said he wanted to change his last name to mine.. All of a sudden now my son says he wants to keep his birth name but attach my last name to his legal last name.. That hurt so bad, I feel as if iam not good enough i asked him why did he not want just my last name when we change it he said well..

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